Here’s hoping you are Rapture-ready. It’s only a few days away, but it’s never too late to get right.

At least, that’s the message touted on talk radio and billboards across the country, as we approach May 21, a day deemed by some to be the day when God returns to take up (“Rapture”) the good and to leave behind the rest of us. And what follows that ain’t pretty, we’ve been assured. Adherents say that “hell on Earth will ensue and last for 5 months, until Oct. 21, at which point the world will end.”

To understand the math and the theology behind this claim, click here. There, you will learn that a previous miscalculation led to a hasty announcement that the event would be in 1992. Mistakes happen.

Math is hard!

(If you think it’s likely you’re not going anywhere on May 21, you may enjoy a live-streaming Judgment Day Party.)

Just to make clear, when the good’ns are taken to their reward, the world does not end. So what happens in that five-month period? What will the unanointed do during that time? Who will be here to act all judgmental?

And what happens to the pets of those who are taken up?

Huh? The pets?

That’s right. It has been posited that, contrary to the movie title, “All Dogs Do NOT Go To Heaven.” Even the dogs that belong to the saintly.

That’s where Bart Centre and his Rapture services for animals comes in. No kibble, no problem.

Sorry, MGM. Not true.

According to a news story and Centre’s own website, into the companion-animal breach has stepped a cadre of atheists, confirmed in their belief that they will remain here and can care for your animals in the interim.

He assures possible customers that everyone on staff is a confirmed atheist and will be stuck here. So for the first time in your life, you want to select the drudge, not the boy scout, to watch your dog while you’re away.

His Eternal Earth-Bound Pets promises:

“You’ve committed your life to Jesus. You know you’re saved. But when the Rapture comes what’s to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.”

“We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you’ve received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.

The Last Judgment by Jean Cousin the Younger

You know I couldn’t resist hoping that there was some legal angle to this story. How could Bart Centre et al. get paid for services in the future when the future was so tenuous? Is there—please please please—a contract that we could read?

Oh, why did I wonder? Of course there’s a contract. Read it yourself here.

My favorite provisions:

  • If  subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka  is “left behind”) EE-BP disclaims any liability; no refund will be tendered.  
  • Should a relative residing within the rescue location not be Raptured and opts to retain the pet(s), EE-BP will not take possession of the pet(s).  No refund will be tendered.

Those atheists! They think of everything! So let the saintly buyer beware.